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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24434371">Worthy</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NefariousTillDeath/pseuds/NefariousTillDeath'>NefariousTillDeath</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fjord's insecurities come out and Caduceus is There For Him, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, no beta readers we die like men</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:27:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,559</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24434371</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/NefariousTillDeath/pseuds/NefariousTillDeath</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Fjord has never felt worthy despite his desperate attempts to become someone worthwhile. Caduceus is tired of this and offers the truth.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Caduceus Clay/Fjord, Teahaw - Relationship, fjorclay - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>93</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Worthy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Caduceus, I’m no good at this.”</p><p>In all his life, Fjord had been searching madly for purpose. When he’d first met the Nein, he wondered if they, too, were blindly stumbling forward in search of a calling. After a year of adventuring and getting an unadulterated view of each of their magnificence, he felt he could say with no small degree of certainty they were not. What began as disappointment, evolved from jealousy through anger, finally settled in an unshakeable feeling of inferiority. After everything, every victory and every loss, when Fjord looked at his friends, he saw nothing but transformative growth beyond his wildest imaginings. He fought inwardly with his mind and spirit, desperately clawing through self-loathing and his ever present dismay.</p><p>He cursed the folly of his youth, that foolishness that had led him to sell his soul to a chained eldritch horror. Despite his recent adoption and blooming relationship with the Wildmother, he couldn’t help but scorn his younger self. Had he not signed himself away to that fiend Uk’otoa, maybe he could have held a candle to his companions. Now, however, he felt rather like a bumbling, vulnerable infant that could only hold the party back. He had, for a short time, taken solace in the thought that no matter what, he’d always have a leg up on Nott. Since her rebirth, however, his folly was realized as the enormity of Veth’s shadow settled around him, obfuscating his selfish security. In the end, he truly was the least of them all.</p><p>Inferior. Less than. He didn’t deserve anything offered him by his friends. Every moment of every day was give and take, but it was entirely one-sided as they did all the giving and he did all the taking. The guilt that came along with being a burden was a heavy cross to bear, and it dealt its fair share of damage on Fjord. It was most often in the dark hours of the night, shortly after the rest of the Nein turned in for sleep, that Fjord’s insecurities would bear their ugly heads. More than a few nights he’d eluded sleep by allowing such thoughts to consume him. </p><p>You’re nothing but a burden to them. Despite everything, your best efforts have only ended up in colossal failure after failure. You wanted to help them. Protect them. Look at yourself now! You’re the one being protected. You’re the weak one. Your desperation and foolishness cost you all the happiness you could’ve had, and for what? A little weak magic? What great things could have been accomplished if you’d been stronger from the start, made better choices, been a better man? Now you’ve gone and ruined any chance you ever had of being worth anything to anyone. A stone indeed. Someone should have pitched you into the ocean long, long ago.</p><p>He smiled. He feigned joy when Jester obliterated enemies before him, left and right. He assured Caleb his web of fire had been like a phenomena out of some ancient epic. He constantly reminded Yasha of her combative prowess, expressing his admiration of her unparalleled strength. He hung on Beau’s every bit of advice when it came time for physical training, pretending to see his own potential so as not to further disappoint her when he struggled to keep up. Veth… Well, despite the shortcomings of their relationship, he expressed to her his admiration honestly enough. Caduceus, however, was no fool to be tricked with empty words and half-hearted smiles. There was nothing he could do to convince the man of the lie.</p><p>On the best days, Fjord fantasized about the day when he would be enough for Caduceus. That day, when he would prove himself worthy of love, establishing his self-sufficiency and no longer bearing the mark of weakness and vulnerability. The best days were the days when Fjord could see a time when he would no longer be a liability but a boon, when he would be good enough. On the worst days, he saw Caduceus as if he were a blinding light at the end of a tunnel so long, treacherous, and dark that no mortal soul could conquer its horrors. These were the days when he remembered he would never be enough.</p><p>Despite these worst days, the flickering flame of love he burned for Caduceus never extinguished. As each day passed, his desperation to be loved never faded. He continued to struggle forward in search of a meaningful relationship in which he could be enough for someone. Since a few months back, that someone was Caduceus.</p><p>He was completely blindsided when the Firbolg was the one to break the silence.</p><p>“Fjord,” Caduceus said softly, “surely you know I have feelings for you.”</p><p>“I’m not the kind of person you want to have feelings for, Caduceus.” The words stung in Fjord’s throat even as he spoke them.</p><p>“I see the way you look at me. I know that you know I can see you. I’ve noticed everything you’ve ever done since the day we met. I saw the look in your eyes that day--”</p><p>“That doesn’t change anything.”</p><p>“Why not?” Caduceus wasn’t going to let this go without a proper fight.</p><p>“I… I’m not someone you should worry about. You shouldn’t care for me the way you do.”</p><p>“Why, Fjord?”</p><p>“You know why.” Fjord couldn’t bear to meet Caduceus’ eyes anymore.</p><p>“You think you’re hindering us?” Caduceus voice was brimming with emotion despite his even tone. “You think you’re the only person in the world who’s failed.”</p><p>“I know I’m the only person who no longer has anything to offer.”</p><p>“Do you really believe that, Fjord?”</p><p>Fjord’s eyes streamed as tears spilled down his face like miniscule waterfalls. His head whipped up to meet Caduceus’ gaze in defiance as he broke. </p><p>“Of course I do!”</p><p>A sob broke his breath, and his voice caught in his throat as he continued, “Since the very beginning, I was never anything more than a disposable body, a stone to be pitched away when I’d outlived my usefulness! Since the day I started out with Jester and Beau I’ve done nothing but hold everyone back! And now--” he lost his breath as a fresh wave of sobs washed over him. He pushed Caduceus’ hand away, partially in embarrassment and partially in attempts to keep Caduceus from interrupting. </p><p>He sucked in a shallow breath and hurtled forward. “And now I’m the biggest liability to you all! I can’t even keep myself standing in a skirmish, much less be of any use to anyone. I did awful things, things I still feel disgusting over, and for what? I have nothing to offer any of them, least of all you!”</p><p>“Fjord--”</p><p>“I tried, Caduceus. I tried to become stronger. I tried to be someone you all could rely on. I tried… I tried to be someone worth being loved.” He paused, willing his words to stay with him now. “And after all of that, I have nothing of worth to offer. There’s nothing here for you.”</p><p>He’d spent every last ounce of willpower on his words, so when Caduceus pulled him in and wrapped him tightly in a warm embrace, he had nothing left with which to fight. </p><p>“I wanted to be a man worthy of loving you… but I’m not.” Fjord’s voice was little more than a hoarse breath.</p><p>“You never stopped trying.” Caduceus whispered as his hands found purchase in Fjord’s dark hair and clutched his body tight. “You never stopped fighting.”</p><p>Fjord could feel Caduceus’ breath against his neck, smell the everpresent sweet-and-earthy scent of tea. His skin electrified as he felt hot tears fall on his neck. Caduceus’ arms tightened around him, and he couldn’t help but melt into the embrace.</p><p>“How little you see when you try to look at yourself from such a lowly viewpoint.”</p><p>Pain erupted in Fjord’s heart, sending shockwaves through his entire body. He sobbed, loud, choking cries as his vision blurred and his ears began to ring. He could feel his heart racing, his chest aching. </p><p>“There is nothing unworthy about you, Fjord.” Caduceus' voice was soft but sure; Fjord couldn’t help but quietly listen as emotion spilled out of him like water from a fountain. “Since the day I met you, I saw the fire in your heart. That silent vow to fight for your friends, our friends. You made a secret promise to them, and every moment of every day I see how you strive to keep it. There is nothing unworthy about you.</p><p>“The world is full of danger, evil, all kinds of nasty things to get in our way. To think you could face any of them alone and succeed is foolish. You set yourself up for failure in that respect. But here and now, you're not alone. You’re part of this ecosystem we’ve built together; this one organism that moves and breathes and grows together in many parts. Your purpose - your worth - is realized in that. If we were to lose you now, the whole plant would die. That’s how important you are. How worthy you are.”</p><p>Fjord’s arms weakly reached up to cling to Caduceus. Caduceus pressed his head against Fjord’s and he gently squeezed the smaller man in his arms. </p><p>“You became the man you wanted to be a long time ago.”</p>
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